March: the home of International Women’s Day and Mother’s Day(UK) all rolled into one, with Grown Man Whines Like A Bitch Day sandwiched neatly in between. By sheer coincidence, this was also my birthday. Even today, there’s often much to do on social media over the annual celebration, usually from the same guys who still protest that Kate Winslet selfishly hogged the floating door, yet remain tight lipped when the crayons come out. You know the ones…

So, what’s been happening?

We spent the best part of March mourning the tragic loss of the universe’s brightest star, Carl Grimes Stephen Hawking. We often describe ourselves as standing upon the shoulders of giants, but by living in the same time as Stephen Hawking, we all had the privilege of walking beside one. As an absolute genius, inspiration, and all round brilliant man, I don’t think there’s a single one of us that wasn’t touched by his existence. Having read A Brief History Of Time on more occasions than I care to admit, I’m always gripped by the passion with which he wrote, whether it be the mysteries of the universe or his undying support for the NHS, the man could make Black Holes sound like Glory Holes. Quick-witted and well loved, he will be sorely missed among all walks of life.

I don’t know about you, but becoming a spy seems far more glamourous in the movies. Aston Martins, budgie smugglers, and tailpipe water cannons are just a few tools of the exclusive trade, but the recent nerve agent attack in Salisbury seems worryingly more like Mr Bean than Johnny English. Former Russian double agent Sergei Skripal and his daughter were poisoned with a devastating nerve agent during a failed assassination attempt in the sleepy Wiltshire town, which incidentally was almost the location of a hit Colin Farrell movie, but “In Salisbury” didn’t quite have the same ring to it. The Russian president naturally denied all allegations with the weakest alibi since shaggy got caught creeping with the girl next door, which has since resulted in tit-for-tat diplomatic expulsions. Alas, foreign secretary Boris Johnson is on the case, and he knows how to deal with those sticky bandits…

After harvesting the personal data of an estimated 87 million Facebook users, Cambridge Analytica is still less efficient than a suspicious wife, yet have heavily influenced numerous political elections around the globe by targeting voters with personalised advertisements that exploited their fears and inner demons. The simplified version: Showing ignorant shit to ignorant people.

In alternative news, police are investigating a violent altercation that took place at a funeral in Liverpool, following large swaths of guests appearing to chant “You never wore cologne” during a break in service, while the recent discovery of bones on the moon suggest that the cow didn’t make it.

So, what have we been watching?

Between Altered Carbon, Annihilation, and Santa Clarita Diet season 2, this is a sub-section almost calling out for it’s own post altogether, something we may address moving forward. In Altered Carbon, Joel Kinnaman turns terrorist/freedom fighter into “not so” Robocop for a futuristic sci-fi series in which death has all but been eliminated, thanks to the transfer of consciousness from one “sleeve” to another, at least for those fortunate enough to afford it. It’s a slick futuristic thriller that not only boasts nips aplenty, but raises many important social issues, not least: why can’t more grown ass men wear fuzzy pink backpacks?

Then we come to Annihilation, and try as I might, it’s simply impossible to describe Alex Garland’s fascinating masterpiece in just one paragraph, or perhaps I just did. With an all female cast and stunning visuals, this truly needs to be seen to be believed. You know what, I’m not even going to touch upon Santa Clarita Diet until this sub-section gets a whole new series of it’s own. It’s not the series you asked for, but it’s the series we need right now. See you there, everybody…

This has been Randall’s Review, laughing through one day at a time…

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