It’s been hot. Very hot. Somewhere between the fires of Mount Doom and the surface temperature of the sun, give or take for minor exaggeration, the British Isles basked in unforgiving heat for five days straight, although it felt more like seven. In typical British fashion, the general public hastily began to whip off their garments in a fevered frenzy, the local high street instantly transforming into some kind of Shameless meets Love Island crossover. I too was drawn to the sandy beaches of the scorching coastline in my pursuit of respite from the unrelenting heat. There were mixed results. The shores were teaming with like minded individuals, soaking up the sun’s rays and swimming amongst the faeces. It was all a little much. Between the crowds and the confusion, it was easy to become lost.
“We’re heading back to the car, where are you?” Came the plea over the phone.
“I’m the guy wearing jeans and two t-shirts,”
So, what’s been happening?
Donald Trump pulled out of the Paris climate agreement with a promise to safeguard American jobs. Up until that point I’d never realised that the US had such a prestigious paddle boat industry. This has enraged a whole number of people around the world, not least Mr Climate Change himself, Al Gore. Itching to whip out his hockey stick once again, we’ll soon be seeing him in the follow up to An Inconvenient Truth, with the aptly titled An Inconvenient Sequel. Coincidentally, this was also the unofficial slogan for The Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Expect to see melting ice caps, global catastrophes, and snippets from president Trump’s campaign trail, as one man and his graph attempt to change the world for the better.
On the subject of change, very little has. The Tories, although significantly weakened after the snap election, still cling onto power with the help of the far right, DUP. Many hailed the result as a victory for Labour, and while there is much to be said for radicalizing the youth vote, the country is now propped up by possibly the most right-wing government that it has ever seen. Since the damning results of the election, Theresa May has stumbled out of number 10 like she’s on a cigarette break from a Tim Burton movie set. She seems tired, jaded even, like she’s up all night hiding in the closets of innocent children, whispering her vile intentions for the NHS through a crooked keyhole. It’s a common consensus that she won’t be at the helm to lead the party through another campaign, with a number of candidates now jostling for the lead role. One surprising character gaining traction amongst the ranks as well as on social media, is Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Norman Bates of Westminster. The kind of guy who keeps a secret pocket journal on his person at all times, littered with detailed entries describing the thrill he gets from wearing lacy black underwear. In short, he is the manifestation of the most pointless scene in movie history.
In alternative news, Chuck Norris jokes are now regarded as the highest form of humour, while sources close to Phillip Hammond have hinted that a post-brexit UK economy may be comprised of Fidget Spinners and yo-yo’s.
So, what have we been up to?
It’s now been an entire year since I packed up my belongings and moved back in with the parents, and with the anniversary behind us, what better time to reflect on a few stories from this experience. From day one I knew that things were going to be different. After unpacking several suitcases of my belongings, I was disturbed to find that certain items had already been misplaced. I decided to investigate.
“Mother, do you know the whereabouts of my Nerf guns?” I questioned her boldly.
“I’ve hidden them,” She started. “I don’t want you going mad in this house and breaking one of my vases,” She said, berating me like a small child.
“Mother, I’m twenty-five. Give me back my toys,”
This could have only prepared me for the things to follow. While living with my wife, I had got used to checking in at all times of the day. A simple text to say that I’d made it to work safe, that I was on the way home, or that I had managed to cross the street unscathed. It was a shock to the system at first, but I had just about managed to incorporate it all into my day. So much love. So much caring. The first time I returned to my parents from work, I sent an innocent text to announce my imminent arrival, to which I received an unfamiliar reply.
“Nobody cares, Phil”
It was in that moment that I knew I’d been accepted back into the family.
As I was quickly reminded, everything that happens in this house is uniquely backwards. There’s nothing that can’t be solved with a hot beverage. Under the weather? Hot chocolate. Feeling blue? Hot chocolate. Heat stroke? Hot chocolate. With dinner being signalled by the sounding of the fire alarm, the culinary arts have no place within these walls, as I soon rediscovered.
“What’s for dinner?” I asked enthusiastically.
“Chicken breast,” replied mother.
“Oh, nice. How are you cooking it?”
“In the oven,”
“But, how?” I asked again, the enthusiasm suddenly draining.
At this point there is very little that can be done but to hold a moment of silence.
So, what have we been watching?
Outcast came to the end of it’s second season in early June, with season three as yet to be confirmed. It’s a show that has had me somewhat conflicted. As a fan of the comic book series, I was delighted with season one, and although it moved along at an often frustrating pace, given my prior knowledge of the story, it was dark and moody, and had truly captured the tone perfectly. So, why conflicted? While season two has moved things along far more swiftly, something has sorely been left behind. The fear factor has been diluted substantially, and was one of the things that had season one standing head and shoulders above its counterparts. I’m also still conflicted over the casting of Philip Glenister in the role of the Reverend Anderson. Casting Philip Glenister in anything is basically admitting that the show has a very real ceiling to how good it can and will likely ever be. I just hope it hasn’t already been hit.
So, what have we been reading?
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This has been Randall’s Review, laughing through one day at a time.
Coming next month: We’ll analyse the latest global news, catch up on my latest goals, and we’ll discuss the return of Game Of Thrones.