Yesterday marked seven years to the day that I began my day job, and I can honestly say that this wristband is the most exciting thing to come of it.
Some days I’m Spider-Man, some days I’m Iron Man, every day I’m losing the will to live.
So, what’s been happening?
From the moment the snap election was called, party leaders have been hitting the campaign trail hard. Labour have addressed the masses, the Tories have gone door-to-door, while UKIP have been spotted down at your local Wetherspoons. There’s been a real contrast of strategies from the party leaders, and from the PM in particular, who’s efforts to get out and meet the voters face to face have encountered a few snags. It’s a real achievement to have a lower door-to-door success rate than the Jahovah’s witnesses, with not one person granting her the time of day. To be fair, we take an extremely vigilant approach to cold callers.
For much of the campaign, Theresa May has been avoiding the spotlight, choosing her engagements carefully, and more importantly, refusing to defend her record in any kind of televised debate. Her whole aim seems to be winning the league without kicking a single ball, like the time John Terry peeled off his tracksuit and revealed a full Chelsea kit at the end of the champions league final, lofting the trophy triumphantly above his head despite never taking part. A relatively niche reference given my majority US readership, but we’ll go with it.
Jeremy Corbyn has tried and failed to lure the PM into open debate, and has faced much scrutiny himself over the IRA. At a particularly low point he was even booed regarding his stance against nuclear weapons, because if it’s one thing a BBC audience hates more than earning a living wage, it’s humanity. Despite the insurmountable odds, he’s run a passionate and tireless campaign. He tends to his own allotment, he makes his own jam, and he regularly referees children’s football games. If anyone is qualified to attend those Brexit negotiations, it’s him.
An honourable mention has to go to Lib Dem leader, Tim Farron, who has fought a valiant fight, often against himself. When asked whether he thought gay sex was a sin, we were treated to the kind of existential crisis unseen since Jim Carrey couldn’t tell a lie.
With polling stations now open for business, all the campaigning and debating seems irrelevant. The status quo will inevitably resume, and come midnight tonight, Theresa May shall be sat cosily on Rupert Murdoch’s lap, toasting to their success with the blood of a virgin. There’s almost no hope.
In alternative news, studies reveal that The Sun is not even useful as toilet paper, while ahead of The Mummy’s release, Tom Cruise looks to further emulate the great Brendan Fraser’s career, by never being cast again.
So, what have we been listening to?
Deviating from the promised script, Paramore released their much anticipated new album, After Laughter. Lyrically it’s some of their best work, but musically and thematically it’s “Saved by the bell”. The majority of tracks would slip seamlessly into a montage of any one of the Olsen Twins’ movies, and I would know. It’s disappointing that such a progression from the pop-punk, slut-shaming riot of Misery Business, has seemingly created the brand new line up to Atomic Kitten. Die hard fans, and they are legion, will undoubtedly be pleased. However, I can’t help but desire a little more edge. There is talent here in abundance, that much is clear, and with Hayley’s flair and charisma, they’ve produced their most daring project to date.
What have we been watching?
Back on script, we saw the conclusion to season 2 of The Last Kingdom. A joint venture between the BBC and Netflix that brings to life the characters from the Saxon stories written by Bernard Cornwell. Pitched as the BBC’s equivalent to Game of Thrones, we follow Uhtred, the son of a Saxon king who grew up as a Dane, only now to be forging his own path to reclaim the home that is rightfully his. All of this during the time of Alfred the great, the devout Christian king with desires to unite the whole of England under his rule, and to rid the country of it’s pagan enemies.
There’s a lot of pieces on the board, but unlike Game of Thrones, we never really leave Uhtred’s side. The pace is quick and there are plots and schemes that crop up in abundance. The action is even relatively strong, if not very BBC. Yet, it’s the politics and the drama that keep you watching more. To have a blend of fictional and real characters allows the show to blur the lines between history and entertainment, just don’t expect any dragons, and if you’re after a Game of Thrones alternative, then look no further than Vikings, on Amazon Prime.
What have we been reading?
Although sadly disappearing over the later half of the month, I have to recommend that you visit fivefrom30. His blend of humour and day-to-day observations make for a truly enjoyable read, and in particular, I have to mention the absolutely hilarious moustache story, which invokes an enormous sense of solidarity. Brilliant. Check it out.
This has been Randall’s Review, laughing through one day at a time.
Coming next month: We’ll undoubtedly tackle the next Trump Shit storm, we’ll reschedule our discussion about the trials of living back home (the election had me pushed for time), and we’ll review Outcast season 2.