It’s great to feel wanted. Over the past few weeks I’ve sensed a growing impatience as my wife began enquiring about new material for the blog. She was asking me just as others had asked her, while taking a leaf out of James Cameron’s book of promised Avatar sequels, I made my assurances and I kept them wanting more.
“Yeah, that’s right. Say my name,” I spoke coolly into a steamed mirror.
With my hair growing out of control, my days away from this blog were largely occupied in an endless cycle of lather, rinse, repeat, followed by an uncomfortable period of time with a towel draped over my head as I waved a dismissive hand at my own reflection.
“These are not the droids you’re looking for…”
Some time during the twelfth day I realised that something was very wrong.
So, what happened?
Theresa May officially began divorce proceedings with the European Union by triggering Article 50, encouraging all of us to start expressing what makes us proud to be British, with some celebrations predicted to last for up to 7 minutes. Essentially, this was the moment in every episode of Scooby-Doo when Fred says “hey gang, let’s split up,” before being picked off one by one at the hands of a laughing maniac.
The Brexit negotiations themselves are scheduled to last for two years, with some sources claiming it’ll be more like ten, or until the release of Fast And Furious 14, whichever comes first. Either way it’s going to be a long and turbulent ride for many Europeans, both home and abroad, with complete uncertainty surrounding our destination.
It’s a troubling time for many, and sadly on the 22nd of March, Westminster was at the heart of a tragic incident. It’s difficult to know the right words for occasions like this, with many people allowing their emotions to do the talking for them. “Muslims out… Wenger out.. “ We’ve all got opinions, and some of those with preconceived ideas have expressed them the loudest. I don’t believe I’ve written about this complex issue before, and I feel it’s deserving of more than just a fleeting mention here. What we should all take from this though, is the power of human kindness. For the one person on the day that was willing to take the lives of many, there were a hundred others waiting to do the right thing. The darkest nights produce the brightest stars… or some shit like that.
In alternative news, Tim Farron claims his liberal views cost him a career with Snap, Crackle and Pop, while Labour MP’s are due to call their annual vote of no confidence over disagreements concerning the best portrayal of Batman.
So, what have we been up to?
It was Part II of my dental saga as the day finally came for my tooth extraction. Pulling on my Captain America T-shirt that morning, I did all I could to channel my inner Avenger. I was ready. Having walked the two mile journey on the hottest day of the year (a scorching 72°F), I arrived at my destination uncomfortably moist and in dire need of refreshment. Travel weary, I trundled into the waiting area and immediately began to examine the room. Approximately 8 x 10 and occupied by seven chairs and four other occupants, I instantly calculated a 38% chance of making my appointment without any unwanted physical contact. My stomach churned.
Surviving the ten minute wait, I was soon lured into “surgery” by three Sirens masquerading as dentists. They greeted me with wide smiles and led me to my chair like a sacrificial lamb, goading and taunting me all the while. “Make yourself comfortable… Let us know if there’s anything you need”. The warning signs were all there. I took my seat and exchanged pleasantries before we addressed the elephant in the room. I’d not come to get one tooth removed, I’d come to get two.
Within moments I received two injections to “numb” the pain before the wisdom tooth was pulled from my mouth with one clean jerk. My heart raced. My eyes bulged. My calm disposition was thrown out the window.
“I don’t wish to alarm you,” The dentist started “But the next tooth will most likely break as we try and remove it, so try not to panic over anything you hear, okay?”
“I’m panicking!” I exclaimed at a high pitch, to which the dentist and her assistants chuckled together, allowing me to play off my outburst as a simple expression of wit.
The sudden crack of my tooth rattled in my brain, sending my senses into overdrive. Before I knew It, a light feeling washed over my body as I felt myself slowly surrendering consciousness. Tell my wife that I love her. The room went black.
“Are you feeling a little better now, Philip?” The dentist spoke softly. I opened my eyes and noticed her assistants tampering with the air conditioning, the cool breeze stroking the hairs on my clammy skin.
“Fuck, they noticed,” I said aloud between groans. Chuckles again filled the room from my unintentional outburst as I began to come around.
“Don’t worry, Philip,” The dentist assured me “We won’t let you leave today until the whole tooth is out,”
“Your bedside manner is astounding,” I thought to myself.
Within another five minutes the procedure was complete and I was thankful to be leaving with my head held high.
“It’s a good job I didn’t panic,” I said on my way out, bidding them a fond goodbye. I think that went well.
So, what have we been watching?
Originally aired on BBC America and Netflix worldwide from December (I’ve been slow on the uptake), Dirk Gently’s Holistic detective Agency is about two sane guys doing normal things, to paraphrase the title of the show’s season finale. Not unlike the BBC’S Sherlock, starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin freeman, Dirk Gently is a buddy comedy of sorts, with Todd Brotzman (Elijah Wood) the Watson to Dirk Gently’s (Samuel Barnett) Sherlock. This is just about where the similarities end. After an odd string of events, Todd finds himself a person of interest in an unexplainable murder, before becoming entangled with the detective hired to solve the crime, before the crime ever even took place. The show boasts an array of wild characters, each one more colourful than the last, as we’re encouraged to partake in a journey that feeds on our curiosity, with the first seasons pay-off more than worth the wild ride.
So, what have we been reading?
For your healthy dose of satire, do yourself a favour and head over to The Whitechapel Whelk to satisfy your every need. Topical, creative, and wonderfully brilliant, they’ll bring you the latest headlines you never knew that you needed.
This has been Randall’s Review, laughing through one day at a time.
Coming next month: We’ll summarise Trump’s first 100 days in office, discuss what it’s like to work the biggest horse race of the year, and we’ll mourn the hours lost to the latest Netflix Original, 13 Reasons Why.