This weekend sees the welcome return of Football into our lives. The Chargers have been busy during the off season pushing through an optimistic proposal for a new stadium in the Downtown area, with little success. If When this plan fails the Chargers could be packing their bags for LA or be forced to remain at the outdated Qualcomm Stadium, which is basically a multi-storey car park where the youths from SDSU go crazy on a Saturday afternoon. With the possibility of this being the Chargers last season in San Diego, the hope is for anything but a premature finish. Here, I have generously reviewed the players and the team’s chances over the months ahead.

Over the past few years Philip Rivers has saved most of his scoring for off the field, so much so that his wife has given birth to most of the practice squad. Possibly the most talented Quarterback currently in the NFL without a Superbowl ring, while the chances of rectifying this sad statistic are dwindling fast. When you have the legs of a Three-toed Sloth and an offensive line that buckles under a strong breeze, it’s no surprise that Rivers has taken more hits than Amber Heard. Protecting Rivers in the pocket is paramount, giving him time to reach his wide receivers. Rush him, and he has all the grace and composure of a drunk man tossing a kitten into a canal.

Keenan Allen promises big things and should be targeting a 1000 yard season. Looking at his official team photo he looks like he’s been fighting ISIS in Syria for the past nine months, I find it hard to believe that this guy is only 24. After an impressive couple of seasons I’m confident that Rivers has some safe hands to look for. Speaking of safe hands, as always we have the dependable Antonio Gates who is still chugging across the field like a freight train. Forget Brad and Angelina, Rivers and Gates are the real power couple of the west coast. With a combined total age of 70, a Hollywood movie of their partnership is already in the pipeline starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Spoiler alert; Morgan Freeman puts in the performance of his career but is overlooked for the Oscar.

Being less dependant on an aerial assault will be the key to Chargers success this season, with the team needing to work on their ground attack if they have any hopes of making it to the play-offs winning a game. Melvin Gordon will lead the line after a dismal rookie season. His college career proves that he has talent in abundance but when you run for an average of 3.5 yards per carry, you may as well be handing the ball off to Betty White.

I was sad to see Ryan Matthews leave a season back, I just can’t help but feel like there was so much untapped potential. I often imagine how things went down the day that God created him.

“Give him the speed of a gazelle,”

“Excellent. He’ll be unstoppable,”

“Make him out of glass,”

Its fortunate then that we have the services of Danny Woodhead, the homeless guy that the team adopted after finding him loitering outside the changing rooms. He is quite literally the Duracell bunny from the commercials with the biggest avocados of anybody on the team. Handing him the ball is like watching a Yorkshire terrier at the very moment the Postman rings the doorbell.

There’s no denying the talent is there to put points on the board, but what about the other side of the ball? Now that Eric Weddle has departed, the secondary is just Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry from the Great British Bake-Off. Don’t even get me started on Manti T’eo. Actually, Manti T’eo isn’t bad, and he’s a pretty cool guy as it goes. I will always have fond memories of him posing for a photograph with my daughter, Ava. I particularly like the way he held her as if we’d made her from Lego or his mum’s favourite China.

There’s much we can expect from the Chargers this season, most of which will be treading all too familiar ground. Even head coach Mike McCoy will be parading the sidelines looking like he’s just finished a round of 18 down at the country club, encouraging the hurry-up offence that contradicts the very meaning of the word “hurry”. Whatever the new season holds for the Chargers, you can guarantee I shall be behind them until the very end. Berating them. Mocking them. Loving them regardless. These are my San Diego Chargers, and there’s no other team like them.

Bolt up!