Having watched snippets from the recent DNC I began to notice a number of things. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but whenever Hillary gives us a warm smile I get the uneasy feeling that she wants to replace our eyes with buttons. It’s a subtle kind of sinister, hidden under layer upon layer of cosmetics that have damaged the whale population faster than SeaWorld. She can contour until her heart’s content, it’ll do nothing to hide the expression of a woman who’s just had a thumb shoved up her anus. In all fairness though, she’s mastered the look of ignorant surprise well, given the whole e-mail scandal that has rocked her entire campaign. It’s a scandal that has divided much of the nation with many calling her careless, dishonest and untrustworthy. To be fair, it took me a while to realise that these were insults and not the required traits of a politician.

Somehow, I can’t help but feel like the whole saga has been blown all out of proportion. Compared to Edward Snowden, Hillary is a teenage boy who’s mother has just found their stash of racy magazines under the mattress. For the record, in my own personal opinion, Edward Snowden is one of the heroes of our generation. When I can’t send my wife a picture of my genitalia without the CIA cross referencing against their database, the terrorists have already won.

The Republican camp has been facing its own internal struggle of late, with Mr Trump insisting the party is closer and more united than ever before. That tends to happen once everyone has left and it’s just you and your alter ego. After eight years of a progressive Obama presidency, the US is faced with the prospect of a leader who’s ideas resemble a man who went on a lads holiday back in 1995 and for undisclosed reasons has only now returned. He’s even beginning to look like a Donald Trump waxwork that’s been left in the sun for too long. It’s one thing to divide the nation, but another entirely to divide the very party of which you represent, with many of Donald’s fellow Republicans urging the candidate to pull out for the good of the nation. If only Fred Trump had heeded the same advice back in 1945.

For all of his flaws, and they are many, his stance on climate change is revolutionary; counteracting the effects of Global Warming with a Nuclear Winter. His supporters must take the blame for his meteoric rise over the past year, the very same people who have been able to defy the laws of natural selection for far too long, a side effect to the health and safety epidemic brought on by the lawsuit culture Donald himself is such a fan of. These people have rallied behind the call to Make America Great Again, oblivious to the fact that they are largely the problem. Please forgive me, I seem to be generalizing.

“Some, I assume, are good people.”

Despite one hateful and derogatory comment after another, Donald has evaded any kind of disqualification in his campaign for the presidency and instead has been given a platform from which to preach more absurdities, whilst in stark contrast, Ed Miliband lost the UK election because he looked odd trying to eat a bacon sandwich.

Regardless of whether there are questions of negligence against her name, by far the biggest crime that Hillary is undoubtedly guilty, is that she’s not Bernie Sanders. I would never try to influence my wife’s decision when it comes to casting her vote on November 8th, however, I have every confidence that she wishes to see me again within the next four to eight years. Should Donald be sworn into office there will be nothing the decent people of America will be able to do.

“Or maybe there is, I don’t know.”