Ever since bursting onto the scene as Professor Umbridge in Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix, Theresa May has steadily climbed the ladder of pure evil, treading on the fingers of desperate families on her determined climb to the top, their pitiful screams only fuelling her desire for more power.
At first I was surprised at the relative ease by which she ascended to the Conservative party leadership, her rivals for the position stepping aside tamely. But who can blame them? One flick of her magic wand would have conjured up a terrifying Patronus Charm in the image of Margaret Thatcher, swallowing everybody that stood in her path. A dream come true for David Cameron of course, conveniently using his new position on the backbench to hide his erect member of parliament.
Wasting no time in asserting herself in her new position, she’s already got Boris Johnson and Michael Gove writing lines in the corner with her enchanted quill “I Must Not Tell Lies” whilst one can only assume the complete absence of Nigel Farage is due to him overseeing construction of the concentration camps.
The way she moved to reorganize her cabinet with such swiftness and purpose is the mark of someone who’s had their eye on the top job for quite some time, probably since the day she hatched. It also tells us a little bit about her. The decision to keep Jeremy Hunt as Secretary of Health for instance, shows us that she has a tremendous sense of humour. The kind of humour that would find children with cancer fucking hilarious. Also, by appointing her brief rival Andrea Leadsom as Secretary of State for environment, food and rural affairs, (a career ending promotion) there’s also a hint of cattiness. I often hear women say this about other women in power. On the contrary though, I’ve never had a problem. In fact I wholly endorse powerful women, it will certainly make “sleeping with the boss” that little bit more pleasant.
Of course we can’t forget the positive attributes that Theresa brings to the Conservative party. As a sufferer of Type 1 diabetes she’s used to dealing with pricks on a daily basis, whilst the added workload and responsibility of being the PM always presents the possibility of her forgetting all about it.
As the person behind the controversial Snoopers Charter and an advocate for the withdrawal from the European Convention On Human Rights, her vision of the future seems to have been inspired by George Orwell’s 1984. Her most worrying act to date came recently during the parliamentary debates for the renewal of Trident, the UK’s nuclear deterrent and the most redundant system since the 4-4-2. When asked if she would press the button that would kill 100,000 men, women and children, instead of treading lightly around the question, she jumped in as if at the moment of orgasm. “Yes!” She cried abruptly, cementing in our minds what we already suspected; that this woman is a complete sociopath. I half expected her to answer with a simple “YOLO” and a fist bump with the house speaker.
Whilst it was my hope that this would be the time for Jeremy Corbyn and his faithful followers to strike against the shaky new order, instead they found themselves embroiled in a plot from Game Of Thrones. The mutiny that has befallen Mr Corbyn is like watching Jon Snow being murdered by his brothers all over again. “For the watch” They recite, one by one twisting a knife deep into his stomach, completely oblivious to the real enemy.
And so as the Labour party hangs in the balance, Theresa May has been left to squander £31Billion on the closest thing to a Death Star the world has to offer. As someone so wisely pointed out, where was THIS figure on the side of a big red bus? The future certainly looks bleak. At this very moment, Theresa May stands within the sitting room of number 10, addressing the shrine of Margaret Thatcher that hangs over the mantlepiece.
“I will finish what you started.”