A couple of weeks late, nevertheless, it gives me great pleasure to announce something of incredible importance (again). After conducting an experiment using ground-breaking scientific methods, my wife and I can happily announce that with a huge degree of scientific certainty, we have discovered the gender of our baby. Who needs the experience of qualified medical personnel when you have a wedding ring tied to a piece of cotton thread at your disposal. That’s right. The “Ring Test” has given its verdict. Some say it could be a fifty/fifty chance, a boy OR a girl. But not the ring test. This takes those kind of odds and spits all over them, proving without a shadow of a doubt the gender of our unborn child.

For those unfamiliar with this experiment, don’t be alarmed, it also took me a while before fully understanding the scientific theory. First we found a suitable controlled environment upon which to carry out the experiment (the living room floor), where my wife lay herself down and I prepared the apparatus. You can use any colour of cotton thread for the process, we decided to go with black, however, we find that white, red, yellow, blue, green or even orange thread works just as well.

Now that we had the cotton, we needed to select the ring. On this occasion we used my wife’s engagement ring as she has TWO wedding rings. Finding it hard to choose between the two and worrying that using both would affect or invalidate our results, we opted for the single engagement ring instead. Again, you could use either your wedding ring or your engagement ring for the test, and if you’re in the position of being easy unmarried, there’s really no shame in that. Any other ring will work fine, although you may want to repeat the test a few more times for a greater degree of accuracy.

When tying the knot between the cotton thread and the ring, we went for the standard double knot over the single knot for health and safety reasons, but again, this is down to the individual’s personal preference. Single knots will also work fine but we advise against anything intricate or “fancy” as this may cause homosexuality.

With everything in place, it was time to begin the experiment. Holding the ring by the thread over my wife’s stomach, we allowed it to hang over her for a few seconds before it began to move. A back and forth motion indicates a boy whilst a circular motion indicates a girl. However, should the ring bounce up and down it is absolutely imperative that an abortion be sought immediately. As the ring swung back and forth my wife beamed. Ava was furious. I was hungry. It seems we are expecting a boy!

The sceptics among you may scoff at such a claim, I know. Believe it or not I wasn’t wholly convinced by the experiment myself, however, my wife assured me that this test had been performed by generation upon generation, swearing by its historical accuracy. Well, that was me convinced. With the only factor that could affect the validity being the biased hand of the person operating the apparatus, I must say, I was truly humbled.

In around six weeks time, give or take, we will in all probability discover the gender of our baby once and for all. Will the results coincide with our own data? Will my wife still beam at the thought of a son? Will Ava still be furious at the thought of a brother? Will I still be hungry? The results will surely bring much joy regardless.