After what has already been a long and gruelling campaign, we are now just a few days away from the first votes being cast. Many candidates have already pulled out of the marathon but the race is still wide open, especially in the Republican camp. So many fine moments have been thrown up during the past months, that I cant help but review some of the most exceptional incidences reported in the mainstream media and to give my own verdict on the remaining candidates, if only to have my wife showing some kind of engagement in her homelands politics.

The democratic and Republican national debates have been very different affairs to say the least. The democrats have been fairly reserved, friendly and almost scripted in their coverage. While the Republican debates have looked like the most dysfunctional family reunions since the Griswold’s in a Christmas vacation. However, this aggressive style has done wonders for their media coverage, not least for Donald Trump who has been riding higher and higher in the Republican polls on the back of unprecedented free publicity.

At the beginning of the campaign the inclusion of Donald Trump was taken as a bit of light hearted fun, an outsider of the field who could provide some satire and comic relief in what would most likely be a dull race overwhelmed with confusing policies. Oh how the tides have changed. Let’s not forget that it hasn’t been easy for Mr Trump, the billionaire property tycoon with all the moral values of, well, a billionaire property tycoon. He grew up in Brooklyn where his father gave him a small loan of a million dollars, which just goes to show what an inspirational rags to riches story he has become. Personally I can’t wait for the movie to come out, which is being billed as the much anticipated spin-off from 50 cents “Get rich or die trying”

Controversy is a word that has surrounded Donald like fly’s to a rotting corpse, I wouldn’t be surprised if he dropped his trousers to reveal the word tattooed on the end of his penis. His whole position on the Political spectrum  can be summed up by his latest TV commercial, for those who haven’t seen it, the thirty second clip can be summarised as such; Racist comment, racist comment, build a wall, Muslims, racist comment, “Let’s make America great again” The sad thing was that straight after it’s release, his name shot to a 15 point lead in the polls.

When my wife and I first heard his calls to build a wall along the entire length of the Mexican border and to send vast majorities of the Latin American community beyond it, we both had the same thoughts rushing through our heads. “If you’re deporting all the Mexicans, who’s going to build the wall?” and more pressingly “Where will everybody get their Tacos from?” I don’t think he’s really thought this idea through. Being a member of the 1% he will suffer more than anybody. Who exactly does he think will mow the lawn of his many abodes? America will turn into a scene from The Walking Dead. For someone who has alienated large voting demographics, he’s doing surprisingly well in the polls. Being outspoken with his radical ideas has in turn inspired many people who have been frustrated and angry towards current world affairs. Radicalising the misguided and misinformed.

The Republican candidates have been treating the debates like a drunken game of Cards Against Humanity, which is hilarious, until you realise they’ve done away with the cards and these ideas are coming straight from their deprived minds. I am hopeful though that the makers of the game will release a special Republican edition in commemoration.

Candidates on both sides have been clashing over many issues, with various debates focussing on the current affairs of the time, economy, refugees and gun control to name but a few. Gun control is a major issue within the US and has been for some time, with the issue being pressed more each day. For some, hearing the phrase “Gun control” is like hearing your wife saying “We need to talk” You know some shit is about to go down. On a worryingly regular basis I see people paying their respects for victims of a mass shooting, but more worrying are the protests of the same people, declaring that it’s their constitutional right to bear arms. I don’t know about you, but I would take my human right to life over a constitution written in the 18th century for a world very different to that of todays.

Guns are a very sensitive subject for a Non-American to speculate on, however, it’s my constitution not to give a shit. Having a wife and daughter that may decide they want us to move back to the States one day is reason enough for me to have an invested interest. The firearms industry is worth a staggering amount to the US economy each year, possibly the biggest reason why changes are never implicated, and so each debate involving even the slightest restrictions on gun ownership is met with resounding support and objections from every side of the argument. It’s like trying to tell Amy Winehouse to cut back on the drinking, or Bill Cosby that people have to be awake to consent…

Probably the worst thing about the issue is the moronic excuses and forms of denial “If guns kill people then spoons make you fat,” which is an interesting ideology. Maybe the next time the military is deployed we can do away with the guns and arm the troops with nipple clamps and dildos. America’s guns are in essence a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. The constitutional right to bear arms is hard to argue against, but just because everybody can, doesn’t mean that everybody should. With great power come great responsibility, and it’s that responsibility that should compel the industry to apply stricter back ground checks and restrictions. If you’re any kind of self respecting citizen who isn’t a Chicken Nugget short of a Happy Meal, then you have nothing to worry about from these changes.

Embracing change is an important part of any progression and shouldn’t be feared. It is strange then, to get the sudden sense of Deja vu when looking through the list of candidates and spotting the familiar names of Clinton and Bush. Hillary Clinton is currently leading the Democratic polls and it’s also the narrow favourite for the Presidency overall. If elected to the White House she would make history as the first female president. There are so many great advantages to be had from this. It would be a grand step towards gender equality, from equal pay and eliminating sexism to having the unrestricted right to an abortion, and not to mention she already knows her way around the White House kitchen. A lot of people are weary about having another Clinton in office, especially as she will have Bill in her ear. However, I object to this. Bill will be far too busy in something else, and I can guarantee it won’t be Hillary’s.

There’s also much objection over another familiar name entering the White House, in the form of George Bush’s less intelligent brother Jeb. I don’t know how this evaded me for so long, but I only just discovered that his actual name is John and that Jeb is just an acronym of his initials. It had me thinking that maybe all the Republican candidates should give this a go. Marco Rubio would now be “Mar” Rafael Edward Cruz would now be “Rec” and rather fittingly Donald Trump would be “Twat”

Although Hillary Clinton is leading the Democratic polls, she is being pushed all the way in a two horse race with Bernie Sanders, a man after my own heart, after Ryan Gosling. He’s the kind of liberal thinker I feel America so desperately needs, yet his views are quite often too liberal for the very conservative nation, some even throwing around the word “communist” i know there’s an insult in there somewhere. This is a man who’s personal wealth falls far short of the other candidates around him, and his social and economic policies reflect that. He’s as close as the candidates get to being someone who understands the struggles of the everyday citizen over the burden of being rich and trying to stay that way. There is one downside of course, at the age of 75 he’s less afraid of assassination attempts as he is of a harsh winter. After the recent cold spell I’m just hoping his wife found out the extra blankets in time.

Going from one end of the spectrum to the other, we have a retired surgeon in Ben Carson. He started off slow, going for a quiet and reserved approach. He gained followers who were keen on the next president not being a politician. A fan base grew, he began to shine during the debates and be began to rise in the Republican polls to number 2. Could this be the challenger to Donald Trump? Somewhere along the line Ben Carson boarded the crazy train and has been riding it through Nutsville to who knows where. A seventh day Adventist, I’m surprised he was allowed to handle sharp objects let alone perform surgery. What was he doing during those procedures, praying over them? This is a man with all the rational thinking of a coked up Charlie Sheen in a brothel. I like to think that at some point Mr Carson and Mr Trump got together and had a wager as to which of them could offend the most people. At 69, even Donald Trumps age could be considered offensive by some. However, it got me thinking. After the deaths of David Bowie and Alan Rickman, both 69, I find myself pleading to death “come on buddy, third time’s the charm.”

Ben Carson is deeply afraid of homosexuality. I’m not sure what they taught him at medical school but I’m pretty sure it’s not contagious. Which brings me onto the issue of Same sex marriages. The Democrats seems all for it, whereas the Republicans mostly want to protect the sanctity of Marriage, so much so, that Donald Trump wanted to protect it three times. It’s still in the memory of people alive today of when homosexuality itself was illegal, a time the majority of this generation regards as barbaric. One day we will look at the exclusion of same sex marriages and have the same opinion.

The whole presidential campaign has been presented like a circus. Trying to write a blog about the past few months has proven just how easy It has been for Donald Trump to get his position out there. Everywhere you turn his face is there causing me actual physical pain. What started as a comical circus, has now turned into a horror show. Regardless of what happens during the elections, we can rest easy knowing that the next campaign should go more our way, with the promise of Kanye West running for 2020 the world will finally get the first lady sex tape its been craving. Maybe they should do away with the whole campaign itself and break open the box of Cards Against Humanity, winner takes all. A possible Kanye West vs Donald Trump in 2020 is almost worth burying myself underground for the next four years for, as I prepare myself physically for the first colonising missions to Mars.